tommy do

america.

Sat, 13 Apr 2013 01:18:30 -0400

america.

There’s no way Mariah Carey knows how to count to ten.

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 11:27:00 -0400

There’s no way Mariah Carey knows how to count to ten.

[[ NORMAL GAYS 1x1 ]] normal gays just talking about normal...

Thu, 28 Feb 2013 12:03:04 -0500

[[ NORMAL GAYS 1x1 ]]

normal gays just talking about normal things

Jessica Chastained

Thu, 07 Feb 2013 14:15:07 -0500

Jessica Chastained

Check out my friend Laura’s web series,...

Thu, 07 Feb 2013 14:05:15 -0500

Check out my friend Laura’s web series, ‘Siblings’. She’s talented, and you’re not you basic peasants.

Carly Rae Jetson

Thu, 24 Jan 2013 12:44:49 -0500

Carly Rae Jetson

Bed Bath & Beyonce

Tue, 22 Jan 2013 17:14:09 -0500

Bed Bath & Beyonce

My Vices

Tue, 22 Jan 2013 16:57:27 -0500

Every first date is exactly the same. In an attempt to look like a good/non racist person, what you reveal about yourself is the same-old politically correct garbage. You both like to read (mostly magazines), cook in your spare time (but not really), and are a generally chill person who prefers to just hang out with awesome friends (mostly the uglier ones who make you look better by comparison). I’m not trying to complain, or be dramatic but first dates are so boring — I’d rather jerk my dog off at home (but not really).

In order to save time, I’ve decided to be the gentlemen in this situation and just let out all of my closeted skeletons (insert some easy joke here about my skeletons being gay).

So let’s speed shit up — I’m laying it all out there, so when we go on that ‘first date’ — you’ll already know that one time, I spat on a squirrel that got alarmingly too close, and we can just move on from there.

I Don’t Really Care About Michael Jackson

You’re making a face. I know. It doesn’t make sense. He’s a pop phenomenon who may or may not have been killed by his doctor! I cared when Khloe Kardashian felt like Chewbacca next to her much skinnier sisters, or when Giuliana Rancic got pregnant against all odds, or when Lana Del Rey used to be an ogre named Lizzie Grant — I USUALLY EAT THIS SHIT UP. But when it comes to the king of pop, I can’t be bothered. Maybe I missed the boat, or maybe I’m too drunk.

My Feet Stink

I apologize in advance. I do everything in my power to not have this problem. I change my socks, weekly. I clip my toenails, monthly. And I get botox in them to not make them sweat, not really. In order to prepare you for the stench that you may experience, here are some metaphors that have been used to describe my feet:

“Your feet smell like a microwaved diaper.”

“Your feet smell like a lemon smoothie with pulverized squirrel bones.”

“Your feet smell like someone lit a Doritos bag filled with boogers on fire.”

“I’m leaving you because of your feet.”

I Love Mayonnaise

I know this isn’t really a crime or a vice, but for some reason, if someone has a problem with mayonnaise, they think I’m the grossest whore. Okay, it’s sort of gross when I use more than four packets of mayonnaise on a chicken sandwich. Or when the condiment creeps out of the corners of my mouth as I’m chewing— I’ll give you that. But there are worst things — Like Amelia Earhart’s flying skills, or how we can’t find Amelia Earhart’s bones or how people make Amelia Earhart jokes that are in poor taste. Stop being dramatic.

I Embellish Stories

Call it lying— I don’t care, I’m sorry — I crave the attention and the reaction I get from my audience members (mostly consisting of my unwilling parents and fishes). When open ears are hanging onto my every word, I feel a responsibility to make every moment count. That’s why I change some lame sauce story about my trip to CVS into an unfortunate run-in with an ex boyfriend, who just got engaged, and caught me buying hemorrhoid cream. Was there an ex-boyfriend? Do I have hemorrhoids? Who cares!? You’re having fun, and I am too. So, I’m basically doing you a favor. This is also why I tell you that the mugger was Black and that the bad driver was Asian. It just adds color to the story, and has nothing to do with the fact that I use humor to mask my racism.

When I’m Having A Bad Day, I Think Of Dolphins Drowning

Okay, wait— let me explain myself. This isn’t in some like serial killer way. I don’t take pleasure in, like, thinking of dolphins not being able to breathe and then it’s, like, lifeless body floating to the surface of the ocean and then essentially just becoming obstacles for Japanese cruise lines. Dolphins are generally made out to be these amazing creatures, that are super smart, and can fight sharks and who can talk to each other via telekinesis. So when I’m having a bad day, the thought of these amazing swimmers drowning, is basically my way of saying, even the best fall down sometimes. Right?!

I swear I’m not a monster.

Lindsay Loham

Thu, 03 Jan 2013 16:33:00 -0500

Lindsay Loham

Photo

Thu, 27 Dec 2012 10:39:00 -0500

From my family to yours, Happy Thanksgiving!

Thu, 22 Nov 2012 11:55:06 -0500

From my family to yours, Happy Thanksgiving!

Llama Del Rey

Wed, 21 Nov 2012 12:00:35 -0500

Llama Del Rey

I. fucking. can’t.

Sun, 18 Nov 2012 23:41:55 -0500

I. fucking. can’t.

DJ Etiquette

Sun, 18 Nov 2012 13:06:04 -0500

After electing a president, the most important decision a group of people can make is selecting a DJ. Regardless of how many alcohol poisoned, coke binged parties I go to, I always have an itch (could be just crabs) that the next party will be the greatest party ever. The DJ is the highest form of power at the party, and he/she/Steve Job’s product deserves the utmost respect. He/She/Steve Job’s product needs to also NOT FUCK IT UP.

Being that I listen to only Ke$ha, Lady Gaga, and the cries of the kids I babysit, I have no taste in music. ‘No Taste’ can easily be interpreted as ‘Gay’, but I’m not one for semantics. ANYWAYS, over the last few failed ~~pregnancies~~ parties, I have compiled some tips you should take into consideration if you are appointed DJ.

Do Not Introduce People To A New Artist

Are you fucking crazy? Now is not the time to tell the cool kids that you’ve been jamming out in the shower to PS 131 boy’s choir. It’s totes your responsibility to show everyone a good time — not give them a class on how ‘violin dubstep’ is the new ‘rap’. loser.

Nostalgia In Moderation

Everyone loves a little bit of Neil Diamond’s Sweet Caroline, even a little bit of 90’s NSYNC. But the second you throw on the second song by the all-girl band DREAM and it’s not ‘He Loves You Not’, be prepared for a full on witch hunt. Keep the past at a two song maximum — and don’t be a jerk off and play Barry White as your ‘nostalgic song’, ya dick head.

Use Remix With Caution

Everyone fo sho loves a good ‘Beautiful Liar’ Beyonce remix. (I didn’t say ‘fo sho’ because Beyonce is black, I said it because I’m not.) But if your remix is just the first three lines of the chorus and is ten minutes long, you can go stick your face in a blender.

No Music Recorded From A Concert

I get it. You had a super awesome time that one time you were on ecstasy and went to a Robyn concert. But no one, right now, at this party, in this current time and space, gives a fuck. Listening to a random live track/someone’s good time at a concert is like listening to people’s dreams and/or poetry. I care because it’s common courtesy, but really, you have about 5 seconds before I ignore you for the rest of the night, and exclude you from the group that’s taking shots.

I'd Be, Like, A Really Good Spy

Sun, 21 Oct 2012 01:50:00 -0400

For those of you who don’t know, I’m really into ~~attention~~ ~~fisting~~ spy movies. More specifically, girls being spies in spy movies. From SALT to Spy Kids to Alias to Harriett the Spy…. I feel the same way towards these films the same way I feel towards honey mustard pretzel pieces, I JUST CAN’T FUCKING GET ENOUGH! YUM YUM YUM! NOM NOM NOM!

Why? Because girls rule and boys drool. duh. They’re more conniving and manipulative, and most people don’t see them as an initial threat. Totes jealous.

Also, I think that hand to hand combat while your giant knockers swing from side to side is pretty impressive. Can I say that? ‘Knockers’? What about ‘Jugs’? ‘Meat Balloons’?

Being a beautiful Puerto Rican mama with giant ‘lady lumps’ myself, I aspire to be a cat suit wearing, bad guy kicking, lady of the night. I would be so good at it! Why? I’ll tell you why! You ready!? Oh, you’re not ready..? Uhm.. Okay, I’ll wait.

….

…

I like your shoelaces, did those come with the shoes or did you..? Oh, you bought them separately? Cool.

…

…..

Ready yet? No? Okay. No, take your time.

did you know armadillos can be housebroken and be kept as pets? so cute.

…

Oh you’re ready? Okay! HERE’S WHY!

1. I Act Like A 5’1 Asian Girl

Even though I’m actually 6’2, and have the density of a small beluga whale, my mannerisms are that of someone who is petite and cute. My sausage fingers move as if they were delicate flowers being blown by the east wind. My wide set hips can squeeze into crawl spaces Anne Frank would be jealous of. In short, my ‘Kirstie Alley’ frame will not hinder me as a professional snooper.

2. I Never Give Up

I’m still watching Gossip Girl, ‘nuff said.

3. I Look Good In A Wig

va va fucking voom.

4. My Toenails Are Sharp Enough To Pick Lock A Door

I purposefully keep them long in case of an emergency. Who knows when you have to climb a tree, grate some cheese or open a bottle of wine? This useful tool has come in handy ~~so many times~~ never.

5. I Can Walk Away From Anything Looking Bored

Bombs, burning buildings, babies, you name it — I’m the master at looking unenthused and keeping a poker face. Princess Diana’s funeral? Didn’t bat an eye.

6. I’m Good At Keeping Secrets

Like wow good. I haven’t even told anyone that Becky got an abortion last Christmas while her mom was in the Bahamas, or that I was the one who gave it to her in her basement. My lips are sealed. So sealed it hurts. Like what? Are your lips physically sealed with super glue? Tommy, you’re so fucking brave. I know.

7. I Think Forbidden Love Is The Best Love

Spies always have a hard time being in healthy, uncomplicated relationships. Why date the successful, handsome gentlemen that are available to you? That’s as boring as this analogy. I love to play hard to get with violent, borderline rape-y men and rebel against the machine by hopping on the back of his motorcycle without a care in the world or a checking account.

‘hiya’.

I’m such a sucker. A strikingly handsome, effortlessly...

Wed, 17 Oct 2012 12:48:26 -0400

I’m such a sucker. A strikingly handsome, effortlessly beautiful sucker.

The Third Wheel's Survival Guide

Wed, 10 Oct 2012 15:16:00 -0400

If you’re anything like me, you’re DEFINITELY single. SOO single it hurts. Not a mate in sight, and if your love life was represented in numerical form, a negative sign proceeded by the infinity symbol would be classified as ‘dead on’.

After a handful of bad dates/relationships/affairs, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m going to die alone. Cause of death is unimportant. Location is also unimportant. Probably in my parent’s basement/dungeon/lair, where I currently reside.

I will give you the reasons for my eternal single status in list form.

- I’ve lost a non-baby tooth to an ice cream sandwich

- I cried like a baby when I was losing my virginity

- I’ve lost a baby

In short, I’m a huge fucking mess. Unfortunately, my peers are not as unfortunate. I, for some reason, attract ‘always has a boyfriend’ friends. You know the kind, ‘I’ is always ‘WE’, ‘I gotta check on what we’re doing’ is a common excuse, and blank stares are always given when the subject of condoms is brought up. (Honestly, if I hear ‘we don’t have to use a condom’ one more time, I’m going to sit on a knife.)

For me, ~~having a third nipple~~ being the third wheel is a normalcy, and if you’re reading this blog, you’re probably alone as well.

Nothing is more painful than ~~sitting on a knife~~ having dinner with a couple, so here are some tips for all of you ~~losers~~ ~~lamesauces~~ ~~pizzafaces~~ ~~warthogs~~ ~~lepers~~ third wheelers.

Keep Away From Sharp Objects

Don’t order a steak as it comes with a steak knife, giving you a ‘means to an end’. I know this sounds like common sense, but believe me, you’ll have to remind yourself to not make a noose out of your napkin.

Nod Politely

Read the room, and know your role. Note that your only ‘job’ is to make this couple feel like ‘normal people’, but not to be involved in their conversation. After they finish their bevy of inside jokes and staring deeply into each other’s eyes, they’ll decide to come up for conversational air. It’s your job to provide a funny quip or anecdote. Once the punchline is well received, they will go back to ignoring you. Don’t fight it.

Bring Sudoku

Dinner with a couple is like watching Kirstie Alley nap. It’s fucking boring. The time in between when you’re ‘needed’ is longer than a black man’s penis. So bring a game! Something quiet is preferred, like sudoku, a crossword, or ‘sticking gum under the table’.

Smile

You’re going to want to throw up. Whether it’s because she just ate off of his fork, their tongues haven’t untied for the duration of the meal, or she’s giving him an under the table hand job. Pick a point on the table (i.e, your napkin, your extra order of curly fries, your ~~steak knife)~~ and focus on it. When you feel those curly fries rise to the top of your esophagus, let out a brief sigh, and smile as wide as you can to avoid blowing chunks all over the table.

Brush Up On Your Photography

As the ‘other person’, you’re going to be the one responsible for taking pictures of the happy couple. Make sure you read up on your Instagram filters, and know how to properly operate an iPhone camera. Also, patience is key when they decide to take a ‘funny’ picture and ask to look at the results immediately after. ’Funny’ pictures are never ‘flattering’ and they will opt against it and decide that ‘duck’ face pictures or ‘kissing’ pictures are more appropriate in representing their eternal love for each other.

So there ya have it, losers! But hey, it’s not all bad, you get to go home after and jack off while still wearing your underwear. <3 <3 <3 <3.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA

Sun, 07 Oct 2012 22:12:00 -0400

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Bowlivia Newton-John

Wed, 03 Oct 2012 16:01:00 -0400

Bowlivia Newton-John

I'm Definitely Going To Hell

Wed, 03 Oct 2012 15:40:00 -0400

Oh for sure. Without a doubt.

The other day I laughed at a blind guy eating a burrito. I’m a fucking monster.

I, however, am not going alone. That would be heaven.

Here’s who will DEFINITELY be joining me on the final ride south.

1. Couples Who Call Each Other ‘Babe’

This goes hand in hand with couples that kiss in roller coaster ride pictures. Unless you’re screaming into each others mouths, that’s not the point of roller coasters.

2. Martha Stewart

And anyone else who is in the top tax bracket. No one ever makes that much money by being nice. Look at Mother Theresa… broke as a joke.

3. Jews and Gays

Rules are rules.

4. Loud neighbors

Seriously. If you’re going to bang out loud tunes, then go live on a farm, space, or up your own anus. If you’re going to be making THAT much noise, at least be doing something hilarious. Here are some hilarious options I’ve brainstormed for you:

-the macarena

-own a small pony

-be Spiderman

5. People Who Don’t Know How Starbucks Works

Don’t go if you don’t know. Yes, it’s called a ‘vente’ and yes, it’s called a ‘macchiato’. This is the world we live in. If you don’t like it, go stick your hand in a blender.

6. People Who Get Violent Over Sports Teams

You’re not on the team. You’re just from the general location of where the team practices, so, like, calm down?

7. People Who Get Mad Over Movies I Haven’t Seen

No, sorry, I haven’t seen Star Wars. No need to throw your arms up in the air in a ‘WHAT!?’ manner, and no need to hold it over me. It’s not like I planned 9/11 or something.

8. Entitled Girls At Gay Bars

You’re a guest. Don’t be a dick without having a dick. Also, don’t hold your bachelorette parties there— you’re just creating more cock blocks with your putty tang.